Darian's Not So Secret Diary

  That's a thought that's been on my mind lately, and even more so as it seems to be popping up in different interactions with people. Or perhaps I'm simply noticing it more because it's been on my mind, on my heart. But either way, there it is, with a heavy thunk as it's dropped itself into the middle of my thoughts and just stays there, perfectly centered in every avenue a thought could take...can you even tell I'm a Christian? Without being a dreaded bible thumper of older ways, without stuffing down beliefs into your throat so fiercely it actually turns you away from Christ...can a person, even tell? Whether it be through conversation, or watching my behaviors, how I treat people, without diving into my deepest thoughts as they are here, could you even tell? The question has overflowed into all areas, spilling into each thing I do, each thing I read, every sentence, would anyone know.... And the question - hurts. Because to answer it, to be fully transparent

  I've spent the better part of 2023 being mad at God. Mad because I didn't like how my life was turning out. Mad that I couldn't control that. Mad that He wouldn't heal me, fix me, give me my health back. Mad that I didn't understand why He wouldn't grant me that, to be healed. Mad that for the better part of the last year it's felt cold and lonely, as if a great distance stood between me and God. Only I didn't know if He put the distance there, or I did. I'm not good at a lot of things in life, but I'm good at distance, at building walls. I had to for so long, to survive living with those that were supposed to love me, and once I no longer had to build walls, I can't seem to learn how to stop. So there I was, countless times, laying bed bound, or on the floor about to pass out again, crying out in the darkest of dark, cold, lonely silence - crying out for healing that still hasn't come, for understanding of why my life has to hurt so ba

  It's been over a year since my last post. Over a year of, per usual, making no progress. Stalling out, making excuses, making more excuses, of knowing what I'm supposed to do but too damn scared to do it. June 24th, 2021 I was baptized, because I wanted to leave that life behind me. Because I wanted to be all in, to fully embrace God and the life He had in store for me, to not waste a moment of this second chance he's given me. In celebration of this moment, a good friend had given me a bracelet that said "I left it in the water." I loved that bracelet, I wanted it to be my mantra, the cute little saying to remind me that I had left my former life, and baggage, behind me. That I was stepping into this new life, this second chance, a new, brave, faith filled woman. But it didn't take long for the luster of possibility and change to wear off, revealing the truth, that I wasn't a new woman, and I hadn't left any of it in the water. Well, maybe I left so