Darian's Not So Secret Diary

 Dear diary, It's been countless weeks since I last wrote, I've had everything and nothing whirling around in my head. I feel complete unrest, and total ease. And I'm not entirely sure what to make of that. I said earlier this year that I think this year is the year I learn. Learn about myself in this post-cancer life, learn about who I am as a wife and mom vs who I actually want to be. And I don't mean that impossible vision we all hope to one day be.  But, I've been stuck in this rut. I just can't seem to...can't wrap my head around what I want to achieve, or let go of everything I jacked up along the way. I know with 100% truth that I will never, ever be the wife and mother I wanted to grow up to be. I've got way too much emotional baggage I can't let go of, wasted years of my life in this constant inner battle of  who I really was vs who I was pretending to be; and neither of them were very stellar. Somehow, I ended up being 40, surrounded by bro

 I'll be implementing a new series on the blog soon "Women of Influence Wednesday's" highlighting, you guessed it, influential women. While you might be sitting there thinking of Rosa Parks or Princess Diana, Kim Kardashian or Bailey Sarian, some famous name that you've read about, someone some little girl hopes to grow up to be like...well, I'm thinking on a slightly different level.  This might not be a woman who has to hide from the press just to run an errand, she might not be found in history books or on the cover of magazines, she doesn't have 1 million youtube followers, it may be a name you've never heard before. It will be stories of real women, a friend or family member, someone from church, that quiet woman you always see on lunch, that super friendly cashier at the grocery store...that women you always remember for the simplest or biggest acts. Because at the end of the day, all women have the chance to be influential.  This thought came to

  You know, I've never, ever been one to jump on the whole "New year, new me!" bandwagon, or new year's resolutions, or pretty much any steadfast belief that the new year would bring about anything...new. Just by changing the date doesn't create some sort of magical shift in the universe that will undo, write over, or start fresh any of the crap from the previous year. It's just another day, not some sort of "do over" card you throw down to trump all the other cards you've been dealt that you didn't like. Any day is a good day for change, don't wait for some mythical point in the year to do so. That's what I've always thought. So here I sit, at the start of a new year a whole lot of different than I was at the start of last year. Physically, mentally, I feel like nothing and everything about me is the same. At the start of 2020 I couldn't have guessed the ways in which my life would change, both within me and to me. But, I sup