Skip to main content

Bringing in the new year like...

 

You know, I've never, ever been one to jump on the whole "New year, new me!" bandwagon, or new year's resolutions, or pretty much any steadfast belief that the new year would bring about anything...new. Just by changing the date doesn't create some sort of magical shift in the universe that will undo, write over, or start fresh any of the crap from the previous year. It's just another day, not some sort of "do over" card you throw down to trump all the other cards you've been dealt that you didn't like. Any day is a good day for change, don't wait for some mythical point in the year to do so. That's what I've always thought.

So here I sit, at the start of a new year a whole lot of different than I was at the start of last year. Physically, mentally, I feel like nothing and everything about me is the same. At the start of 2020 I couldn't have guessed the ways in which my life would change, both within me and to me. But, I suppose being diagnosed with cancer often makes one take stock in ones life, doesn't it? The good, the bad, and the ugly, facing your own mortality you have to face everything else to...to decide, is this worth fighting? Or do I throw in the towel and ride the wave until it dies out...

2020, the year of change. That's how I see it. I scrambled like hell to grab hold of anything I could control, anything I could guide the direction of change. You ever see those stupid clear boxes people stand inside with all the money in it, the fan turns on and they have to try and grab as much money as they can in whatever time limit they've been given? That's how I felt about my life in 2020. Trying like hell to just grab hold of anything so I could have the illusion that I was in any way in control. Really, I wasn't. Not a damn thing about that year I was in control of. 

And that's probably a good thing. While I'm a person who loves change...certain kinds of change...I also hate change. It terrifies me. I want change if I am the one who decided to start said changes. I hate changes that are dealt to me and I have to react to. Pretty normal, I suppose. But, along the way in this life I've learned left to my own devices, I mess everything up. Like, all of it. Every last bit of every part of it. I'll ruin everything about my life in some form or another if I'm left to make all the choices on my own. Or refusal to make a choice. Almost as if I was intentionally trying to make all the worst choices possible. "Yes, door #1 looks like a God awful, horrible decision...I'd like to pick #1 please. Final answer." 2020, the year God wanted me to learn how to accept, deal with, and welcome change...change I didn't ask for. Change I had no control over.

Before I know it, 2021 rolls into town all "Hey girl, hey!" winking at me like Joey, and I'm just sittin here waiting for it to say "...how you doin..." And for just the briefest of moments, I'm totally entranced, totally in love, and I almost think, "Maybe there will be something....different, or special, at the start of this new year." Girl, bye. 

In the whopping 8 days of the new year, I've learned that 2020 was the year of change, and 2021 will be the year of learning. Learning about me, my husband, my marriage, my faith, my roles in life. So while others are whippin out their pretty new planners, downloading that new fitness app, or dying their hair some wild color...I'm over here like the kid sitting in the corner with the dunce cap on. Teacher asks if I'm finally ready to sit quietly now and begin the lesson or do I want to spend the next 40 years with the damn dunce cap on...okay, fine, I guess I'm ready to learn now...

I had said recently to my husband, that I felt like a fraud. That I felt like everything I had said here was complete bullshit, because I was totally wrong, and therefore was unknowingly a total fraud spewing lines of utter bullshit to everyone. Pretty sure that's how I put it. There was probably some f-bombs in there, I was pretty fired up. And over the last few weeks, it's like God has been trying to sprinkle little bits of...well, himself, into my life. Because as I stand there, the fraud, ready to turn my back and walk away, little things sprout up that can in no other way be described as God telling me not to leave just yet. 

Last year was all about change. I think most people in my life would agree with that statement. I thought I was nailing this whole faith thing, look out Lysa Terkeurst, I'm comin for ya... Really, looking at it now, it was just about accepting change I didn't ask for. I had no more of an understanding about what to do with it, how to truly embrace it, how to learn from it. I simply learned how to not throw a middle-aged tantrum when unwanted change was thrown at me. And at the end of it, having no more knowledge than I did from the start of it, I was ready to walk out on God. Because what? Because I didn't get it? Because I couldn't understand the reason of something? Because I just didn't understand, I was ready to turn my back on him. Well, honestly, I was ready to give him the middle finger and then walk out. 

As the new year approached and  presented itself to me, I've learned, this is the year of learning. This is the year, I gain knowledge. This is the year, I stop throwing a tantrum that I didn't get my way, and I don't understand why I didn't get my way...and this year, I learn how...to learn. I'm not a fraud, I'm just...still learning. That's what this new chapter is all about. God isn't done with me, because I haven't learned a damn thing yet. True to form, I got in my own damn way. Turned it into being all about me. Life has never, nor will it ever be, about me. Just like it ain't about you. It's not about me, not about my happiness, not about what I want. It's about my faith, and how many I can usher on in to Jesus along the way...and at some point, I hope to really understand the weight of that statement. I hope, I pray, that it actually sinks into my stubborn ass brain. This year, I'm taking off that dunce cap, and I'm going to learn how to learn. And man could I use the education, because I'm pretty sure, true to form, I'm doin it all wrong...

So what about you, what do you think 2021 will mean to you?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Being Mad at God...

  I've spent the better part of 2023 being mad at God. Mad because I didn't like how my life was turning out. Mad that I couldn't control that. Mad that He wouldn't heal me, fix me, give me my health back. Mad that I didn't understand why He wouldn't grant me that, to be healed. Mad that for the better part of the last year it's felt cold and lonely, as if a great distance stood between me and God. Only I didn't know if He put the distance there, or I did. I'm not good at a lot of things in life, but I'm good at distance, at building walls. I had to for so long, to survive living with those that were supposed to love me, and once I no longer had to build walls, I can't seem to learn how to stop. So there I was, countless times, laying bed bound, or on the floor about to pass out again, crying out in the darkest of dark, cold, lonely silence - crying out for healing that still hasn't come, for understanding of why my life has to hurt so ba
Post a Comment
Read more

The path I didn't plan on taking...

Mom was 36 when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember on her short treatment days she let me come with her, because by that point I did everything with her. Doctors appointments, tests, treatments. Where she went, I went. Whether she wanted me to or not. The oncologist administered the treatments at his office, in this dingy little room in the basement that looked like death row for cancer patients. Ugly pleather recliners lined the walls of the small room, you could hardly breathe through the dense desperation in the air. As if everyone was just waiting. Waiting to die. At that age, I thought that would never happen to me. As I grew older, I feared that would be me. When I turned 36 I was horrified it would be me; thinking that would be the start of my impending doom. My death sentence. The year I would be diagnosed with breast cancer. But that birthday came and went without a diagnosis, and I almost felt victorious, like I had made it. I had beat this thing that had at
3 comments
Read more

I look like a cancer patient

It's not like I didn't know it was coming, like somehow I would be spared the inevitable. Every day, as I run my fingers through the shaved fuzz on my head, I look at my hand wondering, is today the day? Is today the start of another transformation? Is today the day I look like a cancer patient? And as I looked down at an empty hand, I exhaled. Today wasn't the day. Today, people would only still wonder, was I a patient, did I shave my head in support of a patient, was I a feminist trying to prove a point? They could only wonder. The other night while my husband was at his bible study I was sitting on the patio, taking in all the fresh air I can before the air turns too cool to sit outside, forcing me indoors. I took a long breath, ran my hand across my head, and looked down at my palm, covered in hair. Today was the day... I blew the handful of fuzz off my hand, and then pinched a small cluster and pulled. I felt nothing, it didn't hurt, but there between my finger
3 comments
Read more