Darian's Not So Secret Diary

The last nine months of my life have been filled with change. Unexpected change, unwanted change, forced change, so much change. For a girl who likes change in small doses in a controlled manner, it's been a learning process. During all of it, I'm trying to listen to God, for guidance and courage to do whatever it is He guides me to. I feel like I'm just stumbling my way through, blind, no idea where I am or where I'm going. I only know that I am in fact, going somewhere, to do...something. I ask Him what I'm supposed to do, then listen. If I'm not sure, I ask Him to be a little louder. Really, I ask Him to slap me upside the head just to make sure I don't miss it. I was once called a writer. Long ago, that was my passion, my job. But life and the world changed and for years I just thought of that as something I once was, that girl I barely remember now, she used to do that writing thing. For a long time I missed it, like an addict needs a fix. But over

Before my surgery I had a talk with my son about what he was nervous about, because as it approached you could tell he was pretty nervous. He said that he was worried I would come down sick while my body was trying to recover, and that that would make everything worse. It was a legit concern, I come down sick a lot, my immune system is crap, it wasn't far out of the realm of possibility. I told him how when I get really really sick sometimes, for too long, it does get hard on me. Sometimes I cry a little bit, sometimes I feel like I can't keep going like this, sometimes I get scared. But in those moments of feeling like the weight is too big for me, like I just can't take it anymore, I remind myself to have faith, to trust God, and believe that God will get me through this. That sometimes I will sit and say repeatedly, almost like a prayer, "God, please get me through this," and then I have to remember to have faith, trust, and believe that he will. Then I told