Let God happen...

Before my surgery I had a talk with my son about what he was nervous about, because as it approached you could tell he was pretty nervous. He said that he was worried I would come down sick while my body was trying to recover, and that that would make everything worse. It was a legit concern, I come down sick a lot, my immune system is crap, it wasn't far out of the realm of possibility. I told him how when I get really really sick sometimes, for too long, it does get hard on me. Sometimes I cry a little bit, sometimes I feel like I can't keep going like this, sometimes I get scared. But in those moments of feeling like the weight is too big for me, like I just can't take it anymore, I remind myself to have faith, to trust God, and believe that God will get me through this. That sometimes I will sit and say repeatedly, almost like a prayer, "God, please get me through this," and then I have to remember to have faith, trust, and believe that he will. Then I told him how almost every time that happens, when with all of my heart I have faith, trust, and believe in God, within 48 hours something changes. Something gets better. Something happens. God happens.


Faith - complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
Trust - firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something. Acceptance of the truth of a statement without evidence or investigation.
Believe - accept (something) as true; feel sure of the truth of. Have faith. Feel sure that (someone) is capable of a particular action.


When things stay kinda crappy for too long, it does wear on me, I do get drained, my thoughts get dark. Left alone, they get too dark, I start to slip and begin to question everything, doubt everything, see no hope, no light in the darkness. It's just dark. It started to happen recently. I was supposed to be starting radiation soon, but that's being delayed due to a few complications; my incision riding the healing struggle bus, and my range of motion being limited due to cording (which I'm in physical therapy for), and being stuck with those darn drains in for so long. The last drain was painful, my body hurt to the touch, it is just a whole other level of discomfort. There had been little progress, I couldn't do anything, I felt crappy, stuck, and the darkness crept in. I didn't realize at the time, but I just needed something to give. Something had to change.

Nothing had changed, and everything had changed. Nothing was changing in my recovery, but everything was different with my body. Still, it's foreign to me. It's not my body to me yet. It's a mangled version of me. Deformed. Every day I was reminded of this nothingness and everything. No changes amidst this giant change to my body. I didn't have any more positive in me. Didn't have any more hopeful thoughts. I slipped further into the darkness and doubted everything, doubted if I made the right decision even fighting cancer at all, doubted God. I've had too much, for too long. Something had to give, or I was going to give.

So I told God. I asked him, please, get me through this. I cannot find the purpose in this, I cannot find the silver lining, I cannot find the peace, I cannot find the good in this, the good in me. I feel nothing but despair, loss, anger. Please, get me through this. Please. With an open heart, I left my request at his feet.

My next appointment with the surgeon, she took that last drain out. In the few seconds it took her to remove it, so much pain was taken from me. I could wear a shirt normally, I wouldn't have to worry about finding a way to hide it, wouldn't have to fumble with it in the shower, wouldn't have the sharp pains, wouldn't have the pressure. It was gone. The same day, the wound specialist said that my incision was healing well (albeit slowly still). It looked healthy and was filling in and was measurably smaller. By the time we had gotten home from those two appointments, my world was so much lighter. I was laughing, smiling, I felt life in me once more.

As I stopped to thank God for this day, I was brought back to that conversation with my son. I told him when you really have faith, trust, and believe God will get you through it, that something changes. Something gets better. Something happens. God happens. I lost sight of that for a while. Forgot that he would in fact carry me through, despite how much I might fight him through it, he would still carry me. And that whatever I couldn't carry, he would take from me if I asked him to. Sure I have faith and believe in God, but I had forgotten to really have faith and trust and believe in God. But as soon as I did that, as soon as I fully trusted that he would get me through this. Something changed. Something got better. Something happened. God happened.

Sometimes I forget the root meaning of faith, trust, and believe. I muddle it all up and try to smoosh it into areas that I feel need more explanation, more purpose, more definition. I start to feel like God is taking too long, or he's forgotten me, or that maybe everything is actually purposeless and he's just up there watching me squirm, so who cares anyway. Then, in his silent, graceful way, he places on my heart the root meaning of faith, trust, and believing in God. Which often times means you're not going to understand the purpose, there won't be an explanation, or definition. He works in His time, not mine. In those moments, you simply need to plead with God, and get out of the way, and let God happen.