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Purpose within the pain....


I met someone today. In the smallest of moments that we don't even think about, a moment you see as just an inconvenience in our day, so we rush through it without being present in the moment so in the end, we've missed the moment entirely. We're somewhere else, thinking about a meeting, errands, ourselves, some mundane detail of our lives that always feels more important than the person in front of us. It's a blink. A whisper of a moment. It makes your day look like swiss cheese, with all these blank voids of the day that were missed by not being present in it.

I'm an introvert, if you take even 60 seconds to read and learn about introverts you'll find 2 major notable points - one, no extrovert will ever be capable of turning an introvert into an extrovert. Stop that, we don't like that. It's rude to treat us as if we're somehow broken because we don't operate like you. And two, we find superficial small talk very draining, mentally, emotionally, and even physically. So I would rather have absolute silence, or,  deep, pure transparency in a real conversations. So I always try to skip the superficial stuff. Perhaps that's how I find myself in moments like this, the whisper of a moment, where you find meaning and opportunity instead of fluff.

I was at the doctors office for a B12 injection, to try and fight fatigue from my conditions, and the nurse asked where I get the injection. I could have replied with one word to answer the question and be out as soon as possible. But embracing transparency, I said where I needed it due to the lymph node removals I've had. And just from that simple answer, it opened a door, and I got to meet someone today. The real her, not the mask we put on, not the lighthearted tone to hide the hurt. I got to see the real person, in it's purest form. I got to hear her journey of loss, cancer, and the fight of clawing out of the depths of post cancer life. 

In my own journey, I've battled. I'm beaten, broken, and worn down from my journey. I've been angry at God, forgiven God, forgiven myself. I have no illusions of grandeur, but I know that there are blessings in every day, just some days you have to look really hard to find them. But they're there. And I also know there is purpose. My life....phew....so many parts have been more than I could ever begin to deserve. And so many parts are just.....it's been a hard life, and I'm tired. Some days, it's really hard to pick yourself up and even face it, because it feels like there is just so much hurt and pain in it, pointless pain, and I just want it to be better. Normal. Happy....happy....

I often get stuck in the question of why. Why me? Why this? Why now? Why won't it end?  Why....you're just on such a desperate journey to get out of the crap and into the sun, that it can consume you. It is so tempting to be mad about the pain in my life, to let my disappointments of my life devour my thoughts. But if I did...would I have met her? Would I have been so focused on my own thoughts and pain, and being pissed at the reason I was even at the doctors to begin with....that I wouldn't have even seen her in that moment?

When life sucks, it's easy to see so many things you want changed, wished never happened, wish would go away, healing that never comes. But what would happen if something got changed? If I didn't have these health problems, I wouldn't have been there today. I might have never met her. I might have never been given the blessing to see her, in her purest state, and let her know that she is seen, heard, and not alone. I see you...

Seldom do you get the opportunity to see any reason or hints as to why your life has had the path it does. Why you're where you are, right now. Why it would be a bad idea to go back and change anything at all. Because then I wouldn't have been there today, for her. You see, there are tiny hints, all the time, little whispers of a moment that show you some purpose within your pain. And I had that today. I've had that a lot of days, seen purpose. I had always said that if God was able to reach 1 person, then all of this is worth it. And she reminded me of that, and that I guess I still believe that. Because even though this has been such a hard road, I'd still stay on it. There is purpose within the pain. And maybe that's where I'm supposed to be all along, down in the muck. I don't know. But would I want to miss those moments with people along the way, for the chance to save myself all the pain? I don't think I could do that, see someone else in pain to spare myself the pain I've had. I'd much rather see someone lifted up because of my pain.

Purpose, within the pain. Blessings, during the shit show. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, even though it's honestly kind of a terrible state....if it's where I'm supposed to be, I don't want to miss anything because I'm busy complaining. So, life, point taken, I'll quit fighting the wrong fights, eyes open, heart open, ready for the next battle....


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