That's a thought that's been on my mind lately, and even more so as it seems to be popping up in different interactions with people. Or perhaps I'm simply noticing it more because it's been on my mind, on my heart. But either way, there it is, with a heavy thunk as it's dropped itself into the middle of my thoughts and just stays there, perfectly centered in every avenue a thought could take...can you even tell I'm a Christian?
Without being a dreaded bible thumper of older ways, without stuffing down beliefs into your throat so fiercely it actually turns you away from Christ...can a person, even tell? Whether it be through conversation, or watching my behaviors, how I treat people, without diving into my deepest thoughts as they are here, could you even tell? The question has overflowed into all areas, spilling into each thing I do, each thing I read, every sentence, would anyone know....
And the question - hurts. Because to answer it, to be fully transparent, fully honest, I don't think the answer would be yes. I think the answer would be, sometimes, maybe, kinda I guess, or simply no, not at all, I had no idea - is what I think others would say. I think the weight of the question hit me during a conversation with my daughter. Now, I couldn't tell you what the conversation was about, only my statement and the weight of it. "I would hope they could tell I'm a Christian by my behavior."
There was no firm belief, no confidence that anyone could tell I believe in God, not a hint of resolve in my statement. It, in its purest form, was a complete lack of conviction. And I knew it. The moment it slipped from my lips, I cringed inside, because I didn't believe it myself. As days keep ticking by, I find myself expanding upon it. I find myself wondering as I go about my days, and in so many moments tucked away in each day, could anyone tell I'm a Christian? And if they already knew I was a Christian, would they be pleased, or bothered, by my behavior and words?
At first I thought only of when I was speaking to people, did my words in any capacity, reflect Jesus and his love for us? But then I began to think that it went beyond just what I was saying TO someone, what about what I was saying around someone, if they could hear the conversation, what would they think if later you asked them about my character? What if, after a frustrating drive, would anyone believe I was a Christian? Was I showing love when I flipped off your grandma? When I clenched my teeth and muttered insults, where was Jesus in that? Could they tell I'm a Christian...no, they probably didn't feel very loved or that I showed them any patience, did they....
I had started watching a new show the other day, and I had loved similar ones by the creator and so far it had seemed a show I would like. Episode 1, check. Commence binging. Episode 2....umm....err....check....in so many moments of the episode there was the whisper of "you shouldn't be watching this." At the end of it, while I wanted to watch more, I knew, in that ugly pit that makes your stomach upset, I can't watch it anymore. Sure I'm not running around actually doing the things in the show myself, but what's it say about my character, my core, if that's what I look to to entertain me? Is looking to the portrayal of sin, for the sake of entertainment, itself a sin? Did I leave room for God in my binging?
People talk about moments in history where horrific acts were committed, for entertainment, and they're sickened. And yet today, every day, we binge stuff on TV with those same horrific acts, for entertainment, and somehow we deem that as okay because it's just on TV and we're not doing the act ourselves....but you're still entertained by it, still tickled with the dark thrill, still excited for the next episode, aren't we? Could you tell I was a Christian, by what I watch....no, I don't think you could.
Simplicity, minimalism, keep it simple, stupid, that's kind of the direction my life is taking. So slowly I've been going through areas where I hold onto stuff, décor, clothes, books, you get the picture. I went to purge my beloved bookcase, no sense in letting the books collect dust when I could donate them and someone else would have the chance to love them too. As I skimmed through the titles, I had to ask, could you tell I'm a Christian by what I'm reading? Endless books on serial killers and brutal history like the days of the gladiators, I even had this really disturbing yet fascinating book on what is actually done with bodies that are donated to science. Really gruesome, totally interesting, absolutely messed up that it was so entertaining. Do I leave room for God in my reading, really?
I don't think I need to swear off TV shows or movies, burn books, become a nun, or lock myself away from the world so I don't get any more corrupted than I already am. I think I just need to start asking some simple questions, that are tough to answer. What does this say about me? What does this say about my character? What am I showing others by what I'm saying or doing? Can I have a clear conscious about it? If I feel the need to justify...I'm probably on the wrong path. I think, in my present flawed state, I think what I'd like to answer, and what actually is the answer, are not the same. Recently I was asked to give my testimony, which basically means your story on your life of becoming a Christian, and I had said how after cancer, I was baptized, because I wanted to do this second chance right....which, I'm not doing. And that, hurts. I want to change that. I want to go to bed knowing that, to the best of my ability, I can have a clear conscious, I did the right thing (which is seldom the easy path), and I left room for God today.
So, in case you didn't know, or couldn't tell....hello, I'm Darian, and I'm a Christian.
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