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Like a boss...?

You know, I think how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us are seldom the same. People keep telling me that I got this, that I'm the toughest woman they know, like they envision me strolling into the Cancer Center like a boss, kicking the doors open, wind blowing my hair back, as I stand fierce and ready to kick cancers ass - cancer fighting badass, that's me... Just call me Gemma, Gemma Teller...

Then you take a peek at reality, where I've literally spent most of the day sick to my stomach, heart racing, head fuzzy, all because I have to have an hour long surgery tomorrow... Don't mind me, I'm just over here being anything but a badass, the panic attack will be over in a minute, continue about your business folks, nothin' to see here... People keep telling me "You got this!" while I'm sitting there, taking deep breaths, willing myself not to vomit at work. Definitely don't got this. Nope, whole lot of nope there, don't got it. Continue deep breaths, please don't puke.... I kept asking God to please calm me, take this anxiety from me because I clearly cannot handle it. Kept asking, nothing, still a total mess. Ask again, nothing. Ask again, and again nothing. Hello? God? Are you listening??

After work I was sitting on the patio, thinking about mom and how tough she actually was, thinking about this stupid surgery tomorrow, and wondering why God wasn't listening to me today. I was asking for help, no good father ignores their child asking for help. Even if his answer is no, he still answers. So where was he? Where was the comfort, the peace? Hello, God? I told you I was going to give it all to you, to take it away from me, but I'm still scared, why aren't you helping? And as simple as that, I had my answer. God hasn't been ignoring me all day, I've been ignoring him.

How could I say that I was giving my worries, my fear, over to God, yet still holding onto every ounce of it? He didn't take anything away, because I wasn't actually giving anything to him. We're told in many places in the bible to not fear, to give our fears and worries to God, because he will protect us, he will help us through the trials if we clothe ourselves in his armor. So why wasn't I letting God do that God thing that he does? And like that, I realized what an idiot I truly was. Not because yes, I still hate the idea of having any kind of surgery, but because I was holding onto the fear tighter than I was holding onto God. Fear, is the devils tool. It draws us away from God and further into the darkness. No thanks, Satan, I don't want to stand in the darkness today.

So, I gave my fear to God. I don't need to let the fear consume me, I don't need to be sucked into the devils little traps. I see you, Satan, thinking you're being sneaky. I reject your fear, because I have armor for that. I carefully put on each piece, grateful for the protection, and grateful for the battle to make me stronger. I will wear my armor, facing cancer, like a boss....

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