But I started this blog, not only to help myself get through this, but to hopefully reach others, in whatever way God wanted to put on their heart. Whatever connection to their story he wanted to show them, whatever thing He wanted to teach them so maybe as they deal with others in their life who have cancer - they might change their approach a little.
I was talking to my husband the other day about something that's been heavy on my heart, just, bothering me. And I didn't even really realize that it was until that very moment in telling him about it. I try to be a pretty low-key, calm person who can blow things off. And the first few instances I was met with this particular situation, I did just that. I felt awkward, uncomfortable, completely vulnerable in a way I wasn't expecting. But I tried to brush it off, and move on. Because sometimes people just don't know what to say in crappy situations. So they say something stupid. I've been victim to this more times than I'd like to admit. You walk away thinking about what you said, shaking your head "I carried a watermelon?!?" You younger folks won't get that reference lol.
As these situations just keep happening, and each one playing in my head over and over, I thought maybe I should bring it here. To get it out of my head, and into yours. Just a little something to tuck into your brain for reference, when you're talking to a woman with breast cancer.
Don't ask her about her breasts. Or what she's going to do with them.
It starts innocent enough, someone is asking about the plan of treatment, oh you just finished chemo so what's next - or some variation of that statement. Then you mention "then I'll be having surgery, and then after that will be radiation." And this is where it all goes awry. I get statements like (and yes these are the actual questions I've been asked)
"Oh, so you're getting your...you know (points to chest) taken off?"
"So what are you going to do with that region there?"
"You're boobs are getting chopped off? I don't think I could do that."
"You should get bigger ones than you have now."
"Do you have to lose your boobs?"
"Well at least they weren't big to begin with."
"Oh so you're getting them cut off aren't you? But you can always get them replaced. Right? You ARE getting them replaced aren't you?"
"If you have to lose them, you should definitely get them replaced. And bigger. Get you some big titties."
"You should get like, super huge tits put in instead."
"Hope your husband is an ass man!"
"So does that mean you have to get them chopped off? Like, flat, like, totally flat? Whoa, that's messed up."
"How soon until you can get your boobs back?"
"Oh so you're having surgery, is that to get them taken out?"
"My aunt had that done, they did a horrible job."
"Oh you know X had to lose her boobs too. You'd never know she doesn't have boobs by looking at her."
I could go on, because the amount of people who have asked me about my breasts and what's happening to them is astounding, but I don't think I really can. In these moments, I'm usually so thrown off by the statement that I just give that awkward chuckle and don't say anything. Then it floats around in my head, repeating over and over.
As you read those statements, you're probably thinking they're just as messed up and rude as I think they are. Now, read them again. Slowly. Let it sink in for a moment. Because while you might not have said some of the more crass ones, you might have found yourself saying a softer version of these before. So read them again. Let it sit...now think about the woman being asked those questions. Think about what the statements might do to her head and her heart...
She's already been thrown into a new life she wants no part of. She's gone through pain, treatments, sickness. Things you pray that never happen to you. Now she's faced with an amputation. Because let's be real here folks, that's what it is. Part of her body, the part people say is what makes you a woman, what makes you beautiful, what makes everything better for a man - is being amputated. Not by her choice. Because, in fact, she has no other choice. Because she doesn't want to die. Think about what this does to her heart, to her brain. The fears she might have. Will her husband ever be attracted to her again? What will she tell her kids? Will they be afraid of her appearance? Will she be afraid of her own appearance? Will she ever be able to look in a mirror again and see herself? Everyone at the gym will stare at her. Teenage girls laugh and say "she's got no tits!" How will she ever view herself as a woman again?
The weight of asking about what's going to happen to her breasts is:
1. More than she wants to share with you.
2. None of your damn business.
3. More than she can handle mentally.
I say that because:
1. Even if you are part of her circle, a woman's breasts are an intimate part of her body, or her life. You were taught this when you were little. A woman's breasts are private. Why are you trying to make it public?
2. Pretty self explanatory here. If you knew a couple who was trying to have a baby, struggling for years. Would you walk up to the husband and say "Hey Bob, so how's your penis working out, it making any kids yet?" Odds are you wouldn't. It's incredibly rude, and it's none of your business.
3. She's already overwhelmed. With all of the treatments, how jacked up her life now is, and with all the changes she facing and what torment it's causing in her own thoughts. She is doing everything she can to push through this as strong as she can, despite how horribly it might be messing with her thoughts. She doesn't need you adding a single ounce to her already huge load.
Stop it. Just, stop. Your parents taught you that boys had private parts, and girls had private parts, and they're to be kept - that's right. Private. At what point did it suddenly become okay in the adult world to make what is meant to be private, public talk around the water cooler with someone that you rarely even talk to? It's not okay, and please, don't do it.
If you have, or some day have, someone in your life, or someone you're just talking to, that has breast cancer. Regardless of whether or not she says she's having surgery, don't ask her about it. Not about what's going to happen to her breasts, or what kind of surgery it even is. Say something kind. Caring. Don't ask about her breasts. They're hers, they're private, and it's none of your business.
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