June 24th, 2021 I was baptized, because I wanted to leave that life behind me. Because I wanted to be all in, to fully embrace God and the life He had in store for me, to not waste a moment of this second chance he's given me. In celebration of this moment, a good friend had given me a bracelet that said "I left it in the water." I loved that bracelet, I wanted it to be my mantra, the cute little saying to remind me that I had left my former life, and baggage, behind me. That I was stepping into this new life, this second chance, a new, brave, faith filled woman.
But it didn't take long for the luster of possibility and change to wear off, revealing the truth, that I wasn't a new woman, and I hadn't left any of it in the water. Well, maybe I left some of it in the water, but most of it I dragged out of the water and have been carrying it with me since. All the baggage I pretend isn't there, all the hurt, pain, fear, open wounds and deep scars. Every last bit of it, trailing behind me, looming over me, taunting me. It's a bad, bad beast I couldn't shake, because in full disclosure, I didn't want to deal with it. Dealing with it, means dealing with it. Digging up the old hurt, anger, all that pain that's woven me into this mangled mess that I currently am. On June 24th, 2021, I ventured down the path and realized how big of beast it was going to be, that shit terrified me, and I didn't take another step forward.
My parents did me no favors in showing me how to deal with emotions, struggles, disagreements, pretty much anything. How you dealt with anything, everything, was by not dealing with anything. You smoked the emotions away, drank worries and troubles away, stuff the feelings down with food. Bills stressing you out? No problem, bag em' all up and stuff them in a closet you don't use and pretend they're not there. People you don't quite know how to deal with? Kiss their ass until they like you, despite the fact that you don't even like them. Have thoughts or ideas on something? Too bad, no one cares, keep that shit to yourself. The simple truth is, they showed us how to avoid everything, bury it, ignore it, cover it up with smiles and poorly shaped facades and addictions a plenty.
I started down the path of change and growth years ago. And stopped. Because to change, I had to deal with the past. Acknowledge it. Dig it up. Work through it. And I have no idea how to do that. I didn't then, and I still don't today. I was reading a few different books, going through some lessons in different bible studies, and while all unrelated, they all headed to the same place. Dealing with the past, and forgiveness. For someone who doesn't know how to process emotions, that's a lot of emotions to process, dude. The main things I had been reading set two tasks before me, a Hurt Letter, and a Forgiveness Letter.
The hurt letter, you write (but never send) to the people in your life that have hurt you the most. You tell them what exactly hurt you, how it has affected you, changed you, broke you. The forgiveness letter that you write (and again never send), you then forgive that person, show them grace, love, and then let it go. And really let it go. Both letters, you burn, leaving that pain in the past, the pile of ash left to be carried away by the wind, is the forgiveness and moving on. It's been carried away, taken from you, lifted away. After reading those tasks, I set the books down, leaving them to collect a years worth of dust. I resorted to mom's go-to move - stuff them into something you don't use and forget about it.
Sometimes, I would feel brave and venture down the forgiveness path and pick up a different book, or read a different article, or say a different prayer. I'd give myself a little pat on the back, look at you Darian, being brave, reading about change or forgiveness, good job! Until it leads to the part of actually taking steps to achieve said things. Cue fear...cue being paralyzed by it....nailed it. Commence ignoring it for the duration of the year. Nailed it again.
Within the last few months, in talking with my son about anger I said "Anger is really heavy to try and carry with you all the time." In another conversation about how other peoples bad or hurtful behavior had changed him I asked him "Why would you let them, these people you'll never see again, have SO much power over your life to let them change you...forever. They don't deserve that power over your life, so don't give it to them." And somehow, until that very conversation, I hadn't realized that I was doing exactly that. Letting people from my past, some that I will never see again and some I see all the time, have control over my emotions and my life. Why was I doing that? No person deserves that power. And again, I was reminded of the letters I never wrote...my hurt...and forgiveness...
A new year is here, when everyone lights a fire under their ass for all the shit they didn't accomplish last year. Excuse me, guys, I'd like to squeeze onto that bandwagon, pardon me, coming through. Some say it's like a breath of fresh air, rejuvenation, a resurgence of empowerment over your life and what you make of it. I have no resolutions, no grand plans, no plans to chase this illusive idea of finding purpose in your life. I have a slightly intimidating set of tasks before me, and plans of focus for the year. First items on the list...the letters. I will write them while sober. Without cigarettes (I quite in 2019). Without eating myself to death. I will do this, without a coping mechanism. Without grasping onto a new vice. I will do this, filled with fear, having no idea how I will work through it, but I will do it. Without waiting another year to think about it.
Because anger and pain, is really heavy to carry all the time. And I don't want people to have that much control over my emotions and my life. Because I want to feel the calming peace of forgiveness. Because as this new year lay at my feet...ready or not, here I come.
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