I know some people would tell me it's because I've been through so much, it's hard, I can't hold it in all the time. But none of that is true. Steve, my rock, my guardian, my friend, he asked me what was wrong and I told him I think I'm just tired. Just really, really tired. But I don't even think that's true. In fact I know it's not true, because my heart says so. Some people would tell me to not be so hard on myself, I've just been through months of chemo, sickness, pain, surgery, so now even more pain...just months of physical and emotional trauma. I have every right to cry, or be sad, or be angry, I can hear them giving me the "okay" to feel and be all the emotions all at once. But I can't. But still, here I sit. Crying. Crying tears too big for me to comprehend.
I would like to take the easy route, to say it's because me and my family have been through so much pain. I've lost my grandma. I've lost my mom. And I fear my family will lose me. Who wouldn't be sad, or cry. I'd like to say it's because I'm in pain today. I'd like to say it's because my body has been beaten and mangled, that it hurts to be touched, and I'll forever have scars to remind me of every damn day of this. I'd like to take the easy route. I'd like to sit here and say that my tears, my never ending tears today, are because of any or all of those reasons, and that I would be justified in feeling that way. But I can't say that. I don't feel that. It would make sense, except for the warning in my heart.
I talk to my husband sometimes about what God says to me, because I know he understands what I mean when I say that. Some people might think I'm nuts. But he gets it. I pray for God to speak to me, and for me to listen for him, and to make me patient enough to wait for him. I want to see him, and I want to know him. The other night I was laying in bed, in pain, I had slid down too far and I couldn't get up on my own. Every movement trying to do so felt like a hot blade cut my body from the inside out. I was scared. I couldn't move. I thought for sure my struggling had damaged an incision. I didn't want to wake up Steve because well, I'm an idiot sometimes. And there I stayed, completely stuck, hurting, and wanting so badly to be pissed off. Pissed that this is what my life has become. 39 years old and I can't even get out of my damn bed by myself. So, I laid there and asked God the same thing I've asked him since July 10th, God, please get me through this. Please, God, just get me through this...
My husband saved me, got me up and out of bed, got my medicine, and loved me. He got me settled back in bed, comfortable, and then he dozed off to sleep again. But I just sat there, something stirring in my heart. I wanted to be mad, mad about my life, all of this. But I couldn't, I just couldn't. In my suffering only moments ago, God heard me, and sent my husband to help me. In every step of this battle, I ask God to please get me through this. And every step, he has. I sat there, in the peaceful silence of the night, and my heart whispered to me. God was telling me it was time to listen. As I wanted to be mad about my life, I saw and felt all the blessings given to me daily. Every day, I'm given blessings. Every day. I closed my eyes so I could listen better as my heart whispered to me and said, "I can't with good conscious complain about my day."
Every night, I strive (often failing) to be able to go to bed with a clear conscious before God. And I had to ask myself, could I really do that, while complaining? While having self pity? While being angry about my path instead of grateful for the help along the path?
Even now, I cry as I type this. I know it comes from deep within. Not because I'm tired, or in pain, or upset about my life the last two years. I cry for my lack of gratefulness. I cry because I know God is moving in my life, I know he has plans for me, I know they will be big and hard. I know I will be scared, and I'm afraid I'm not strong enough for whatever it is he is placing in my heart and in my life. My tears are too great for my own understanding. But they are filled with trust. Because tonight as I go to bed, I want to go to sleep with a clear conscious before God. I couldn't stand before him, and complain about the life I've been given, the path I've been given.
I keep crying today, and I don't understand why. It's too great for me. Through my tears I say to my Father, I will lean not on my own understanding. I will get through this, because you have plans for me. I don't know them, I don't understand them, but I don't have to. It's okay for me to not understand them, you don't need me to. You just need me to listen, and follow. Lord, today I am crying, but I am listening. Please give me the courage to follow your voice, to step boldly beyond my fears, and humble myself before you to take no sense of pride in what work you do through me. I cry today, Lord, but you will get me through this...
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